Identity Crisis Averted

Most of my life, I have believed in the "pay it forward" ideology. For example, when I was looking for mental health providers for my son, I learned a lot about what to say and not say while I was making those calls. One night at work, I had a conversation with a co-worker who was trying to find help for her daughter of a different sort, but still dealing with providers within the health care system. I was able to offer some suggestions that would make her efforts easier than it had been for me. To my way of thinking, the countless days and phone calls, headaches and tears were worth it, because my experience taught me the right and wrong way of going about it. With the knowledge I gained, I was able to pass it on to my co-worker, and she was able to go through the process more easily. If something I go through can be shared and help someone else's journey a little easier, then what I have gone through will be worth it. That's what this is. By sharing my story, it is my hope and prayer that someone, somewhere, will be able to apply my experiences to their own situation (even if they're not the same), and their journey will be a little easier, their burden a little bit lighter. What's that expression? "We're all just walking each other home."

My name is Kristi. I am 54 years old and a mother of two. I would say mother of two children, but they are currently 19 and 26, and the idea of being called children is probably not the descriptor they would prefer. Until 2 1/2 years ago, I was also a wife. Maybe not a good wife, but I was a wife. No. Actually, I was a great wife. Not a perfect wife, but that's not all on me. I could have/would have been an even better wife if things had been different, but they weren't. My adult children live with their Dad by their choice. Me? I live with my parents too. Seems that's a trend in my family, doesn't it?

When I walked out of our house three years ago, I never imagined my life would take the twists and turns that would lead me to this moment. Actually, when I walked out that door, I wasn't even sure that decision would lead me to being divorced 5 months later. It took only one month for my husband to decide that he didn't want us to work on our marriage. What he wanted was a divorce. Yes, indeed, I gave him his wish.

Don't think that I just blithely said, "Sure thing!" I spent 5 months crying, praying, and seeking advice about even taking a break. My heart ached for the Godly marriage I signed up for, but didn't end up having. I was devastated that the 28 years I had invested in doing everything I could for my husband and family, the prayers I prayed that he would come back into a relationship with the heavenly Father and with me, had been for nothing. Ok, no prayer is ever wasted, but you know what I'm saying. It didn't turn out the way that I had prayed it would. My son disowned me immediately. My daughter followed suit just 7 months ago. Leaving them was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Not being able to talk to my kids wrecks my heart, but I have to live my life. Sitting around crying all day, every day because they choose not to love me isn't an option. That would destroy me.

When I walked out that front door on July 21st, 2023, I moved in with my parents (temporarily, I thought). For the first month, I sat and stewed in my own doubts and fear. Then I got the message from my husband that he was going to pursue a divorce. Suddenly, it was time to act. After 28 years of waiting around for him to get it together and step up and be the husband I needed, I could not wait another year or two for him to start working and get enough money to begin divorce proceedings.

After the divorce was granted, I turned to dating apps. Oh, heaven save you from that mess. I was sure that living where I was, there wasn't anyone who would be a match for me, and I had spent most of my life waiting for the man I chose to be the man I had trusted God he was. You can see the problem there. God doesn't make anyone do anything. Sometimes I think His giving us free will was a big mistake. LOL! Not really, I do understand He wants us to choose Him freely. Where was I? Oh yes, dating apps. Not that I have a frame of reference from personal experience, but I'm guessing it's not any better on those apps than the bar or club scene. No matter how you describe yourself, what you pour out about what you are looking for in 500 characters or fewer, people don't read. Men look at your profile picture and swipe left or right based on what they see almost exclusively. They don't even look at all your pictures. Being the kind of person I am, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Expect the best of people, not the worst. Two and a half years later, I have removed myself from the apps. I don't believe I'm dumb or a slow learner so much as I am optimistic.

Look, I live on a remote island 22 miles out in the middle of a bay. In my mind, it made sense that if there's nobody here to date (population of 2500 in the off-season), then dating apps were where I needed to be looking for a man. "You may be right! I may be crazy." While I did meet a few men and "dated" a couple, clearly none of them were Mr. Right. When the time is right, God will bring the right one to me. That's my belief.

Last night I was crying and wondering if God means for me to be single. After many, many tears, I realized that He does not. My whole life, for as long as I can remember, my greatest desire was to be a Godly wife to a Godly man. God created me for a marriage that is emotionally close and spiritually united. The connection I thought I had found in my ex turned out to be false. My heart is learning what is real and what is counterfeit. Somewhere out there, there is a man who wants emotional closeness, unity, and clarity. His longing matches mine. I have lived through counterfeit, disappointment, loneliness, and heartbreak. Through that, I have gained clarity. Wanting God's best for me isn't a fantasy; it's the kind of relationship my soul was designed for. I was made for emotional closeness, spiritual unity, shared longing, shared faith, shared life, and tenderness, not perfection but alignment. Half-connection, surface-level affection, spiritual mismatch, and emotional distance are not for me. God is a good God, and I trust His plans for my life because my identity in Christ is real. God doesn't owe me marriage, but if He has planted this longing in my heart, then it's for a purpose. Being alone is not in my DNA. I wait for His timing, His direction, and listen for His voice.

Lord, I can't do it on my own. I have nothing left in me but you. Maybe that's the place I had to reach so you can truly begin to rebuild me into the woman you created me to become. You are my greatest love, my deepest desire. Thank you. I can always lean on you and not my own understanding. With every breath I take, every beat of my heart, I need you. Not only am I not able to do this all on my own strength, but I also don't want to. Just because I feel like I need to be actively doing something to bring the next thing into my life doesn't mean that's what you're asking of me. I surrender all of myself; every dream and plan, ache and longing. Thank you for knowing my heart, for seeing me as I am and meeting me exactly where I am. Build this house exactly according to your design. With you as my foundation, I will not fall. Make me a reflection of your image so others will see you in me.