God can use anything and anyone at any time. Have you ever heard the account from the Bible of Jesus walking on the water to the disciples on the storm-tossed sea? They were so afraid when they saw Jesus coming toward them. They thought he was a ghost. Jesus called out to the disciples and told them not to be afraid, "It's me." Peter surely shouted above the storm, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." Do you know what Jesus answered? He said, "Come." And Peter did.

Today I was watching "The Chosen", the episode that includes this account. It was one of my favorite Bible stories as a kid. As an adult woman pondering leaving my family for an extended period of time (not just a couple of weeks, but rather a few months), I needed confirmation from God that this was what I was supposed to do. Although I was in a difficult situation, I knew I needed time away from it. I couldn't bear the thought that I might be basing my decision on what I wanted rather than what God said was best for us all.

Have you ever asked God for a sign? "God, if this is the right thing to do, give me a sign" (or if it's the wrong thing). Looking back on the situation, I have to wonder if He chuckled and rolled His eyes. "Yes, Kristi, I'll give you a sign. Never mind that I have given you hundreds of them in the last 31 years of your relationship." Ok, He probably didn't do that, but I imagine that's what I would have done.

When I asked a friend to pray for me, all I told her was that I had to make a decision and that it was potentially a life-changing one for our family. While I didn't plan to get a divorce, I knew that it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. It wasn't long before I received a message from my friend telling me about a time she had to make a very difficult decision of her own. She proceeded to share that God had shown her a vision of herself on a storm-tossed sea in a boat, and Jesus came her on the sea just as He did with the disciples and told her, "It's not the storm you're afraid of. You're afraid to get out of the boat." Now that's not quite the same as the account from the Bible. They were afraid of the storm. That story from my friend resonated so LOUDLY with me! I was in a hard place, but it was known. I felt safer in the not-safe place than I felt about "getting out of the boat" and going into the unknown with the One who knows and loves me best.

Decision made, right? Oh goodness, in the moment? Yes! That was a Thursday. On Sunday, I was praying that God would give me confirmation that I was listening and hearing correctly. Not because I doubted Him, but I did doubt myself. What if I were trying to talk myself into "running away" because it was easier and more peaceful than staying and fighting for my marriage and family? Sunday morning, I went to church with my parents. During the sermon, the pastor randomly starts telling this same account of the disciples in the boat in the storm. I say he told the account randomly because there was absolutely zero reason for him to be telling this account. It made about as much sense as Little Red Ridinghood being part of the story of Jesus' birth. If you know my parents, you can ask them. Truly, it was completely out of place. God's like that. He's not a God of the ordinary. He's not conventional. At. All. I love that about Him, actually. Oh, that I could tell you that was the end of my self-doubt. Sadly, I needed many more confirmations. Thank you God for your patience and grace.

Back to the boat.

As I was watching this episode of The Chosen today, God showed me something else. No, it's not purely written according to scripture. Creative license was involved. I think that's ok. It's meant to be accessible and relatable to all people of all walks of life and belief or unbelief. What actually spoke to me the loudest today was something that wasn't written in the Bible. This is where we refer back to the beginning of this post. I said God can use anyone, anything, anytime, and anywhere.

In the episode, Peter is in a storm in his life, not just the physical. As he's walking to Jesus, Peter asks God why He allows life to be so hard (very paraphrased, but you get the idea). Jesus told Peter that He allows trials to strengthen our faith. Now, if you're a fellow disciple, you may be nodding in agreement or even wondering why this was even an emotional moment for me. "Duh! We know this already." There's a lot I know. At 6 years old, I gave my heart to Jesus. I was all but born in church and spent three years in Bible school. There is a very big difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Even more than that, there are times when something you have known forever hits you right between the eyes, or between your heart and soul. When God takes the blinders off your eyes, and you really see what He's been telling you all along. But you see it with your heart and soul, because you have been searching for answers for so long, and all you really needed was to get back to basics. God is not complicated. Today, that simple truth that God allows trials to grow our faith and trust in Him was exactly what I needed to hear.

Let's be real. I may be crying over my circumstances tomorrow or the next day. Yes, the same ones I have clarity over today. Guess what? It's ok. This girl doesn't have it all together. Most of the time, I'm a "hot mess". God loves me as I am. He loves you just the way you are. I don't cry because I don't trust Him to work things out for my good. He's not a man that He can lie. His word says He works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He can't go against His word. My tears are wrought from exhaustion, disappointment, loneliness, and heartbreak. God is with me in this season. Maybe it seems like an incredibly LONG season, but He has never left me alone for a second. I could never have survived the last 53 (almost 54) years without Him beside me. Without Him, my heart doesn't beat, my lungs don't breathe, and I cease to exist. He's not just my everything. He's MORE.

Every one of us has a different journey. There are similarities and vast differences in all of us. I don't share for sympathy or say "look at me." I share because maybe someone, somewhere, someday will need to hear something I share. Not because I'm special, not because I'm wise, not even because of me. I'm just Kristi. Not because my story is some fantastic tale. Simply because maybe there's someone who will be encouraged somewhere along in the telling of it.